I have been trying for some time to take my personal situation out of the picture for a variety of reasons. Firstly, no matter how hard I try I find it impossible to write too much legibly and succinctly that doesn’t raise more questions than answers. Part of me isn’t bothered by that. I am happy to make most of the story public. That said, I have no wish to get bogged down on this and this alone. I have been worried about the danger of everything I say being colored by perceptions of what socialists think of this personal information. If there was nothing else to write about, I would try to write about this and this alone. However, for the last few months I have found it difficult to leave politics aside. There is always so much I need to say, so many comrades I need to try to convince. That has been the case with the SWP ‘crisis’. And it is the case with the rise of Left Unity and how TUSC has to relate to it. And it is the case with the related issue of what to do about the electoral breakthrough of UKIP. I simply cannot get bogged down on contentious issues about my personal situation. Having said that, I think I am going to try. Again. Not sure how long I can keep this up, but I will explain the trigger for my delving back into this terrain which causes me a considerable anxiety.
Channel Four used to be my favorite news programme, but that ceased to be the case a long time ago. I won’t rehearse every problem I have with it these days: too long a list. Still, every now and then I see something that reminds me of the good old days, and their piece on abuse of people with autism, of the hate crimes, of the outrageous role of the police, and other authorities to help these victims of hate crimes, of rape victims who are allowed to be murdered after having the potential to stop this…. I didn’t cry but I am actually surprised that I didn’t. I was moved to tears, almost but they didn’t turn up. When I think about that news report the emotions I felt when I first watched it come back. They are with me as I now tap these keys. If a diagnosis of autism is an index of an absence of empathy, then my diagnosis could not be more wrong. I feel the pain of these victims and of their parents. I feel nauseated and I am, as I say, close to tears just thinking about that report.
The statistics provided in the Channel Four News report are horrific. I was unaware things were that bad. I never participated in that survey, although as a semi-articulate, semi-intelligent individual with a diagnosis of ‘autism’ who has actually been hospitalised by means of four boots, four fists, a metal bar and a razor blade in my won home, has received a long list of death threats, and who was quite recently assaulted (by being kicked in the testicles) which was caught on CCTV cameras, stills of the perp being distributed to local police officers (according to the two cops who came to see me after they saw Morrison’s CCTV footage)…. Maybe I would be an ideal candidate for this survey on hate crimes against those with autism. Why did I not participate in that survey?…
I do not believe any of these incidents constitute hate crimes against someone with autism. The latter incident could, I think, fall within the category of a hate crime against someone with a disability, but even that could be challenged. I was kicked in the testicles after I confronted a man in his twenties after he mocked me for gasping for breath. There is an issue of disability here, but it is entirely unrelated to autism. For the last few months I have found walking any distance causes me distress. I was struggling bringing groceries home, and this one individual made fun of how hard I found this. I challenged him and he eventually admitted that he did it and didn’t care that the reason I was having this problem was a disability. He then kicked me in the testicles and walked off. Had I not challenged him for his mocking me I don’t think he would have physically assaulted me. I don’t think that what motivated him to physically assault me was hatred of the disabled so much as being exposed publicly for his insensitivity towards those with a disability. I do not believe that my diagnosed autism played any part in this assault, and clearly had nothing to do with being mocked in the first place.
I have written at length about all the death threats, made in the presence of witnesses, sent via emails that were investigated by CID officers, with two Detective Inspectors visiting me from the other side of Scotland to discuss this with me. One individual (Steff Denny) was charged with sending me one of these death threats, and I have been told he was jailed for this, then wrote a further fifty death threats on the building I lived in to tell me that he blamed me for his incarceration and would carry out his previous death threat made in front of two witnesses that if he went to jail for the previous death threats he would send me to Hawkhead cemetery. I am not going to dwell on any of this in the remainder of this blog post, but I will return to it later. Anyone who doesn’t know what I am referring to can find references to it on this blog already.
S0, there you have it. I made no attempt to participate in the hate crimes against autism survey because I don’t think any of these crimes against me had anything to do with my alleged autism. Now let me return once more to the alleged component of my ‘autism’.
I remain unconvinced about this diagnosis. I am not going to rule out completely the label because I myself see a substantial overlap of my symptoms with that of others who have the label. Whether that ‘proves’ that my agnosticism is simply wrong, or whether these other individuals have similarly suffered a misdiagnosis I don’t know.
I am going to try to persuade you, dear reader, why my anxieties about this ‘autism’ diagnosis may be a misdiagnosis. But I also feel the need to explain why I am trying to hard to make my case today. Partly this is a consequence of trying to explain why I don’t think my experiences of physical assault and death threats are related in any sense to my alleged ‘autism’. But there is more to it than that.
A lot of what I am going to write now will be new to readers of my blog. Part of it has been touched upon on twitter, but I can’t direct others to where to find it. I am afraid I have zero research skills when it comes to twitter. I can’t trace anything I said, which is a pity because there are a few jokes there that I think are quite funny. Anyway,….
Yesterday someone came aknocking on my door. I never answer my door unless I know who it is. I had not been expecting anyone. But when I checked the time it occured to me that I might know who it is. But it is not someone I was willing to talk to. I am not going to name him. But when he was last in my home I got him to phone his employer and I told her that I wanted an investigation into his behavior. I have not completed a hardcopy complaint partly because I have no printer, but also because I am struggling to know where to begin. I have tried to communicate with this indivdiual by talking to him, but he won’t listen. I have drawn his attention to several of my blog entries, but he seems unwilling to read anything. But as I explained to his employer two weeks ago, I am scared of him, I don’t trust him. I cannot work with him and I do not believe there is anything that his employer can do to change this. Despite telling his employer all this, he came out to see me again yesterday. He has repeatedly blamed his employer for what he can and cannot do to help me, but his so-called ‘help’ makes my situation so much worse. I have told him that if his employer is to blame that I want an investigation into his employer. But I simply have no way of knowing if the employer is to blame. I have told him that he has demonstrated over and over and over again that he is completely misrepresenting me, and making my life an absolute misery. I have zero trust in his ability to represent me when I am not there to hear what he is saying anymore than I have when I have caught him repeatedly misrepresenting my situation in presence of others. For challenging his version of events, I have been threatened. Let me be clear that these threats are not of violence or anything like that. However, I am being threatened with having reports written by liars and people who abuse me being backed up by this individual I am complaining about.
I am not going to name this individual for a few reasons. Most important, all my complaints are about situations where it is my word against his. My solution to this is to refuse to put myself in a situation where he can make up a pack of lies about me. I have decided to send a report about what he has done to the relevant authorities. They can then ask his employer if what he told me is correct about how he was to relate to me. A huge amount of what I am now forced to place in the public arena has been forced on me by him, his employers and Renfrewshire Council who subsidize this so-called service which has made my life an absolute misery. I could not want to write about this. And I will be making a complaint about having been forced to do this. But I have exhausted all other avenues.
Why don’t I want to write about this? Firstly, part of what I feel I have to say could narrow down where I live and that is a closely guarded secret. I am in hiding. I have gone so far as to remove myself from the electoral register to make it harder for those who threatened to murder me finding out where I live. For the last eight years I have not left my home and this other than in the presence of support workers paid to deal with my alleged autism, a diagnosis I am going to explain is possibly a misdiagnosis. Yet again I have to address the fact that I have presented myself to my GP for counseling for suicidal tendencies. I don’t want to do that. Why not? Firstly, this is not something I have discussed with my family. I don’t want my mother to know about this, but I don’t know how to protect her? My sister turned up out of the blue a few months ago. She left a note asking me to get in touch. I wasn’t sure if she was still alive. I am glad that she is, but I am not going to talk to her about it either.
A further reason I don’t want to address these suicidal feelings on a public forum is because a sense of humour in the face of horrendous circumstances keeps me sane. I adopt a persona of a clueless idiot, someone who has lost touch with reality not because I am either but because this is a goldmine of surrealist humour. I shouldn’t have to point his out. However, given the fact that there are bastards who need to portray me as mentally ill to discredit what I say about them, I am very sensitive about placing into the public arena facts that relate to so-called ‘mental illness’. I am said de facto to suffer from a mental illness because I have given serious consideration to suicide? This seems like a horrendous catch 22. I need to get an investigation into the incompetence and criminality of people in authority and because nothing is being done about how miserable they are making my life, with apparently zero prospect that this is ever going to change… In such circumstances, does suicide not strike everyone as a rational response? If people are in serious pain they are not mentally ill for wanting to put an end to that pain, and if it is the only way to get society to wake up to the abuse that has driven vulnerable people to this pain, it is not even irrational to die to change things for the better. If I was to kill myself and make a public statement about why I felt driven to do this, maybe things would change in a way that would make these abuses less likely in the future. It would certainly help me escape this horrible situation, or to be more precise, this set of horrible situations.