Why I may contest Douglas Alexander’s seat in next May’s general election

This is not a joke. I am considering standing as an MP

Not for the first time, I tweeted yesterday that I’m considering standing as an independent in next May’s general election. I was surprised to discover that this tweet was being retweeted. For the sake of clarity, I explained that I’m not joking. Since it is being retweeted, I want to say a lot about why I am serious.

Firstly, as I made clear on Twitter yesterday, I don’t want to be an MP. Is it a great ploy to make a job application and say you don’t want to get it? Typically this is not a great idea. However, there is an idea that anyone who wants to be an MP should be automatically disqualified. Don’t expect to win on my using this Catch 22 as my key policy. However, I may corner the surrealist and anarchist vote by explaining why I am not a typical parliamentary candidate.

Secondly, while I don’t think I’d be a great MP, the qualities that I know I lack are not in great abundance by most of those who are MPs. I may not be a genius, but compared to the typical Labour MP, I’m Einstein: everything’s relative, apart from the speed of light. MPs are also, by and large, liars. I will focus on that. I can supply ample proof of how I am not afraid to speak my mind, which is in precious short supply amongst most politicians. While most MPs have contempt for the voters, I will express solidarity with my constitutents by sharing their living standards: like Dave Nellist, I too would take only the average wage of a skilled worker. What happens to the leftover is not something I have given any thought to. Not yet.

I don’t think I have a hope in hell of actually being elected. That is one of the reasons I am considering standing. I don’t mind losing my deposit, but I will fight to save it. And I want to earn all the votes that I do get. I want to explain why I am standing. And I will be standing specifically to expose the sitting MP: Douglas Alexander, and his role in making my life hell. I have referred to this before, and I won’t rest until what he has done becomes public knowledge.

Let me be clear about something else: I want there to be a single slate of pro-Scottish independence candidates at next May’s general election. This is one of many reasons I really do not want to stand. I want the SNP to negotiate an electoral non-aggression pact that stops Ed Miliband’s traitors saving their bacon. They deserve to pay the price for mangling democracy in Scotland in the referendum.. They need the SNP to stand against the Greens and other pro-independence candidates. Gonnae no dae that? I have argued since our defeat on 18th of last month that we need to pick ourselves up, and start all over again. Rewriting the joke about Tories and pandas into one about Tories, Lib Dems and Labour is something I would love. So how on earth could I dare threaten this electoral pact myself? That is a question I will now address.

I want to negotiate my way out of standing in the general election. I will abandon this in return for the SNP leadership examining my allegations against Douglas Alexander and others. The ball is in their court.